Tuesday, March 27, 2012


In a week or so, I'll be 31.

There were moments during treatment that I didn't believe I would live to see 31. But I will. I'm slowly shifting from living day-to-day to the terrifying, wonderful world of planning for the (immediate) future. Brains are neat.

I don't have much to say that's important, but I've got some new hiking boots and have been stomping around, reveling in botany ID, listening to birds, and generally enjoying being alive.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Heartbreak and tea

It's been a really awful week for many of my friends. Like, a shockingly awful week. People passing away, people getting sick, so many people that I'm actually having trouble keeping track of which friend I need to call. And most of it is because of cancer.

It's hard to move on with the recovery process when the very real pain of cancer is everywhere, slamming headlong into the lives of heretofore healthy people. I know that saying "It's not fair" is kind of ridiculous, but dammit, it's not remotely fair, and it makes me so angry and sad.

But there are some good things. I've got a second interview! MY SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED! I've taken friends out to enjoy the spring salamanders. My husband and I went on a date night tonight, and absolutely stuffed ourselves at a restaurant. I have people I care about, and I'm being a little more social than normal (though, let's face it, during treatment I set the bar pretty dang low).

Overall I've been happy, though these losses and illnesses keep reminding me how quickly things can go so terribly badly, and I'm scared.

Bad news can slow me down, and I'm learning to go with it. I'm measuring my days from tea to tea. My husband brings me green tea in the morning, and then I go out and drink some iced tea, or some herbal chai or hot mint tea. I breathe and do everything I can to relax. I let myself regroup, and helps so much.

This is kind of a disjointed entry because I'm not sure how to describe a mix of happiness, peace and laughter, mixed with absolute crap - but then, that's been my problem with this blog all along! Tomorrow is my 6-month checkup with my onco-nurse. Hopefully I'll get some drugs to combat these hot flashes that are currently bathing my body in ridiculously toasty waves.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Hot hot hot

Well, my abrupt descent into chemically induced menopause has hit a rough patch. My hot flashes have changed from an occasional, mildly adorable annoyance to an hours-long frustration.

As soon as the sun goes down, and until about 11am, my body switches from boiling hot to freezing cold every half hour or so. I'm having trouble sleeping. I feel dopey and zombie-like.

I don't want to tell my doctor about this because she'll take me off the Lupron. I like the (possibly goofy) feeling that by staying on it I'm protecting myself just a little bit more.

The wackiest thing is that the hot flashes don't mean an actual raise in body temperature. My husband's hand on my forehead is invariably hotter than I am, even when I'm convinced that the house is on fire. Once or twice I've actually had him verify that the apartment isn't so hot that the pets will keel over.